Nobody tells you, when you’re diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, how much the grief of your diagnosis can weigh on you and affect everything around you.
It’s like having a pocket full of stones.
In the beginning, you’ll think about it often. It will get heavy. You will notice it everywhere you go. At times, you may catch yourself thinking about it, convinced that it is going to be your constant companion, because it is – sitting in your pocket, not having to do anything but take up space in your mind while it hurts you to your very core. Â
All you want is to cast it out. Get rid of it. Get over it.
You can’t. Grief does not work that way. Your pocket is always going to be full. I’m sorry, but it just will. Such is the nature of grief. Â
You will carry those stones everywhere; you will take them out and examine each one until you know them intimately. Until you hate them so much. Until you resent their existence, the cause for it, yourself, others’ reactions to it, and countless other factors never considered by those who have not experienced the pain of having to carry on with a diagnosis that we are told is never. Getting. Better.
You will sit with it – these pocket stones.
You will accept them.
Your pocket will always be full. The grief remains. But it will get lighter. You don’t have to empty your pocket to put it away. It’s ok to carry your grief, because this is how we mourn our losses and simultaneously hold them in our hearts forever.
As we navigate through this diagnosis, we learn that there are ways we can help ourselves. There are tools like knowledge and exercise and hope that lighten our load and empower us.
Use these tools to build a better future for yourself. Take control of the outcome as best you can. With each step, you will notice that your pocket full of stones is only one small part of your life. That even stones get smoother and easier to hold as they move around and are polished by your actions and intentions.
The grief will still come, but it will not be as sharp. You will manage it and move on. You will learn how to navigate around it and that it’s ok if you haven’t put it away.
Don’t let grief weigh you down so much that you forget how powerful you are. Show yourself the power of will.
Show yourself what grit and determination can accomplish.
Show yourself how to live with the hurt with such grace that it shapes you into a better version of yourself. Keep your hand out of that pocket and your eye on the prize.
Acceptance will come when you are ready, and it will buoy you so that at some point you just don’t think about what you’re carrying because you’re too busy learning what to do about it.
We all have a pocketful of stones, but who says we can’t have deep pockets?
About the Author: Mel Livingston
Melissa (Mel) Livingston is a Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease author, advocate, and co-host of PMDA Young Onset Parkinson’s Network’s Parkinson’s Looks Like Me Podcast (formerly known as Living Well Starts Here). Mel coined the hashtag #ParkinsonsLooksLikeMe as a way to create an online space dedicated to representing the full, diverse range of people and families Parkinson’s impacts. Now, that same phrase has also become the headline of the monthly podcast dedicated to showcasing the stories of the Young Onset Parkinson’s community, highlighting the far-reaching impacts of Mel’s contributions.